I have a confession to make. But first, a tiny bit of backstory–
A few weeks ago I was coaching a leader through a major hiring decision on his team. He was struggling to decide between two highly qualified candidates, navigate internal and external pressures, and find the right way to message to all parties involved. We had a FREAKING AWESOME conversation. It was seriously beautiful to watch him light up the path toward the best decision for his total team.
As I said goodbye I had a light bulb of my own that hit me like a ton of bricks–
I miss leading a team. Deeply. Like aching heart within my body.
Coaching fulfills SO MUCH of what I am looking for in my career. But there has been a hole in my heart I couldn’t quite put my finger on until that session. Team. Connection. Collaboration.
There are many pros to entrepreneurship which I’ve gushed at length about. But it is long past time for me to also admit some of the cons. I want this to be a source of #RealTalk and truth…not an extension of Fakebook.
Some things I’m missing right now:
- Sense of a common goal across a large group of people. That we’re all in this together. We’re all fighting the good fight.
- Collaborating with peers.
- Simple things of sharing an office space with many other living breathing human beings. The everyday acts of “how was your night?” or group emails with the latest YouTube video full of Olympic fail moments or reminiscing on that time when you CRUSHED a major goal.
I’m a little scared to admit this because I’m not sure what it means for my future path. But hell. This website is called TO KNOW HER. So right now my only purpose is to know myself. I am failing faster than I ever have allowed myself to before by taking these big leaps & risks.
Two Things I Now Know
- I adore coaching individuals. It’s work that speaks to my soul. It’s been a big part of my life thus far and will continue to be. It’s not a question of IF this work will continue. It will. Rather the question is now in what venue(s)? Because…
- I also ache to lead a team (and collaborate with a peer team). I thought replacing 9 direct reports with 9 clients might do the trick. But it’s not quite the same thing.
QUESTION OF THE POST: What are you craving MORE of personally? Professionally? What’s one step you can take to get more of it within the next week?
Me?
- Personally: Meaningful human connection. One step I’m taking this week is scheduling a few dates with friends–lunch, coffee, whatever. I’m always down because solo entrepreneurship is straight up lonely for me. So ask me! Or say YES! when I ask you.
- Professionally: Sense of Team. Dreamworld: leading and being part of one again. This week I’m joining my alma mater’s alumnae council to work with a team of 6 on a major goal for the University–increasing alumnae donor rates!
Perhaps these will fill the void. Or maybe they won’t. That’s ok too. Test & Iterate!
And I encourage you to do the same!
Thoughts? Shocked? Ha. I bet not if you know me well. Spill your beans below…
I’ve known you for some time. I’ve followed your writing. You are an amazing writer and an amazing person. I think you are missing something. The thing I think you are missing is nothing.
You are missing nothingness. Sitting and doing nothing for minutes, then hours, then days, then maybe even months. Everything you’ve written about, everything you’ve dreamed about, and everything you think you are missing is missing one thing. It is missing being fabulously perfect, as you are, right here, right now, in this moment without activity of any kind.
You see I think it is activity, your energy, your actions that represent a virtual marathon….running from the fear of what enters space when you don’t fill it with anything. When you sit still for a very long time and make space for what is really there.
Opening
up
space
for
an
incredibly
long
time
while
you
do
absolutely
positively
fucking
nothing.
I’ve been there. The place. The place where you finally stop filling the nothingness with extraordinary activity, accomplishments, influence, and results. When I finally stopped filling that space, there was panic.. A panic so unbelievably powerful that it inspired me to get back to FUCKING DOING SOMETHING right now. Right now because that panic is really frigging scary when you just sit with it. And keep sitting with it until you really get to know it. Become intimate with it. See how deep it is. Realize that it might be hundreds of miles deep, deeper than any ocean. Taller than any mountain.
Be with the panic. The panic might just be the source of what you are writing about, what you are thinking about, and what you don’t want to settle in.
I don’t really know. But I know. I’ve been there. I see it and I feel it, when I read your writing, understand your perspectives and learn just a little bit about who you are.
Take a break. For a moment, then a second, then a minute, then a few minutes, eventually an hour, eventually a day, then a week, then someday a month, and see what you find. When you learn to do this, consider the labels and names you might give yourself. Learn to throw those names and labels away.
You are pretty amazing by the way. Always have been. Always will be. Don’t ever fucking forget that.
Hi Linda! Thank you for your insightful comment. I am embarrassed but I do not recognize your name. Can you remind me of how we know each other?