How Do You Measure Your Worth?

Self-worth. Do you have a lot of it? The first step to answering that question is to define how you measure it, right? So let’s talk about that!
Unfortunately, I have had many opportunities to feel worthless since making this life change 2 ½ months ago. Here’s a handful of things people have said to me—

• You’re such a terrible feminist by choosing to be a trophy wife.
• Aren’t you lucky your husband can support your crazy dreams.
• Must be nice to finally get to be lazy and take care of yourself.
• You’re so intelligent though! Why don’t you put that brain to use?
• But doesn’t it scare you to be so dependent on your husband? I’m not sure I could handle being financially dependent on a man.
• So you’re just not going to work anymore? But don’t you WANT to work?
• I wish I could save the world too, honey! But SOME OF US have to work.
• Must be nice to get to do whatever you want every single day.
• You are a shame to working women everywhere. What a waste of your skills!

These hurtful comments have been weighing heavy on my mind and on my heart putting my self-worth in jeopardy any time they pop up. Do you know why? Because most of these comments reflect the way society measures worth–by your job title and implied earnings. I have neither right now. Before I offer a different way to measure your worth…

Will you bear witness for a moment as I air out these comments in a public space making peace with myself and reassert my worth? Yeah? Cool! Thanks!

• You’re such a terrible feminist right now by choosing to be a trophy wife.
  • I am quite a phenomenal feminist by pursuing entrepreneurship where I can help women define and live THEIR best life breaking through the vicious thought cycle of “I am not good enough to…” that exists for many. I am also a great feminist by volunteering my time to 1) help single mothers break the cycle of poverty and 2) help my 14-year old mentee graduate from high school. Honey, I’m far from a trophy wife.
• Aren’t you lucky your husband can support your crazy dreams.
  • Yes, I am! But it took 10 years of me pulling in a paycheck to get us to this point. Though he contributes the sole income, I played a critical role in getting us to this point and continue to act as CFO managing that money to the max. And my dreams are not crazy. A crazy dream is one that’s unrealistic. It’s not unrealistic to love what you do and make a BIG difference doing it.
• Must be nice to finally get to be lazy and take care of yourself.
  • Anyone who really knows me knows that LAZY is simply not a word I am capable of so you must not know me well if you’re saying this to me. I still WORK over 40 hours a week. Just because I am not getting PAID doesn’t mean I do not work or that I am somehow LAZY. But yes, I am taking better care of myself!
• You’re so intelligent though! Why don’t you put that brain to use?
  • Honey, I AM using my brain! I am using my brain to CHANGE LIVES. It’s one of the most challenging & rewarding things I’ve ever done. I’m using my brain to figure out the best way to coach people over a hurdle toward their ultimate goal. This is harder than you might think! I’m using my brain to uncover how people are motivated differently and use that to their advantage. I’m using my brain to solve one of the largest, most complex problems I’ve ever encountered alongside employees of my favorite non-profit. The problem? Breaking the cycle of poverty for single mothers two generations at a time. This requires more brainpower than I’ve ever used before! We have costs to reduce, stigmas and beliefs to change, partnerships to pursue, tradeoffs to consider, and government regulations to unravel all in an effort to impact way more families than this non-profit is able to impact right now.
• But doesn’t it scare you to be so dependent on your husband? I’m not sure I could handle being financially dependent on a man.
  • I’m in a MARRIAGE. Our happiness, our pleasure, our joy is often found and dependent on the other person’s happiness, pleasure and joy. In our case 1 + 1 has equaled infinitely more possibilities than we could have imagined or achieved as individuals! This recent career change has been just another item on our list of the best things that ever happened to our marriage. Allowing myself to fall into Nate’s (very strong 🙂 arms in this way has actually been quite the blessing for our marriage. It is full acknowledgement that I can count on him as my partner in ALL things and we relish in this stronger sense of full faith & trust in each other.
• So you’re just not going to work anymore? But don’t you WANT to work?
  • Just because I am not getting PAID does not mean I do not work. I work 40 hours a week easy.
    • 10 hours a week coaching clients directly.
    • 10 hours a week communicating with clients writing session recaps, building development assignments and texting/emailing between sessions celebrating their wins and working through their setbacks.
    • 5 hours (at least) reading & researching to make myself an even better coach and learning what I need to do to make this a legit business (boring stuff like tax IDs, sole proprietorships, and checking accounts).
    • 15 hours a week volunteering for causes I care about like Jeremiah and closing the achievement gap in Minnesota schools.
  • I wish I could save the world too, honey! But SOME OF US have to earn a living.
    • Let me know if you ever want to work with me to help you pursue your dreams of saving the world! I’d love to help you uncover ways you can earn a living doing just that. These jobs exist! I’m just not personally pursuing getting paid for them right now.
  • Must be nice to get to do whatever you want every single day.
    • Sure is! But you probably have a nicer car, house, clothes, etc. than me. That’s awesome if that’s what you value! I wanted freedom & flexibility to do what I want to be doing. That meant letting go of my salary that I was only using to medicate away the deep pain I was feeling. I was medicating my real problem (not living my values) with huge retirement contributions so I could retire from my corporate career faster, more clothes, a personal trainer, a dog walker, monthly massages and house cleaners (confession…we still kept our house cleaner). Now I’ve CURED the problem by doing what I love instead even if I’m currently making ZERO doing it.
  • You are a shame to working women everywhere. What a waste of your skills.
    • Depends on how you define working. See previous answers. And I genuinely think there could be no better use of my skills than to make them available in the spirit of serving others.

Phew. That felt good. Ok so then…

If how much money someone makes is a good way to measure worth, then why did I feel so worthless pulling in a huge (to me) salary in Corporate America? And why do I feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. now when I’m making ZERO dollars?

I believe it’s because deep down we are all measuring our true worth by how much our actions align with our values. A little post-it hangs on my desk listing my own values–

• Health
• Family
• Learning
• Kindness
• Spirituality

Each day that I make health promoting decisions, spend quality time with family, learn something new, show kindness toward others and grow in my spirituality is a damn good day where I feel tremendously high levels of success and worth far beyond what my corporate job title & salary ever provided.

What about you? QUESTION OF THE POST: How do YOU measure your worth? And is it working for you? If it’s not, I would sooo love to work with you! I can genuinely say that isn’t some pitch to make money because I’m not making any right now. Instead, I’m coaching 9 people for free focused in on my value of kindness & learning. Even in the future business plan I’m shooting for 2 free “scholarship” clients and a very low fee vs. marketplace for most coaches for everyone else. I’m also thinking of doing something really crazy where 50% of my earnings go to charity and 50% gets invested in continuing my coaching education through formal training & certification (a $12,000 price tag. Woof!) so I can get even better at helping people. Is that crazy? Probably. But I know that for me personally how much I earn is no way to measure my worth. Kindness & learning? Now THAT I can get behind.

-Shannon

PS: can I give y’all a personal challenge during this holiday season to help society shift the focus away from job & money as a way to measure worth? Yeah? You’re up for it? AWESOME! It’s really, really simple! I promise.

• Are you guilty of leading off conversations with people you don’t know by asking “So…what do you do? Where do you work?” Yeah? Hey! I used to as well! But this feeds right into the bullshit culture of letting your job title & implied salary measure worth. So let’s change it up.
• Instead I want you to simply ask “What’s keeping you busy lately?”  This little tweak gives people permission to talk about WHATEVER they want to about their life. They might even end up talking about what they VALUE (family, friends, a kind act, etc.)!  It’s a friendlier opener for the “bad feminist, save the world” and/or “stay-at-home parent” folks out there. These folks should feel ZERO dread going to functions. But most of us do because of that one question. That one question about where we work or what we do can lead to a totally unjustified feeling of shame or worthlessness. I can’t wrap up what I do into a simple company name or a job title that allows you to more easily compute my worth. Instead, ask what keeps us busy and let us reflect our values to each other by sharing the way we spend our time.

PPS: I’m reminded of my Dad’s favorite Christmas song reflecting his desire to put little emphasis on money…